making space.

i am not a very spontaneous person. i don't like surprises or snap decisions. in fact, react very badly to surprises. i tend to freeze up and panic. this causes me to attempt to plan my days out, often by the minute, so i have a nice, predictable schedule that keeps squishyness and unpredictable event to a minimum.

this also means i tend to schedule myself tightly, and, because life is life, i end up running late a lot. but lately i've also noticed it's costing me opportunities. this is probably because it's summer, but when i'm, say, driving to work, because i have the commute planned down to the minute (hello, OCD!), i don't have the time to, say, stop by a farmer's stand and pick up some juicy ripe tomatoes.

but more bothering, i don't have the mental space to do it. i may drive past the stand, see the tomatoes (or corn or peaches or whatever), and think, "wow, they look yum," but i won't stop to buy some. not necessarily because i'm running late or because i don't have the money, but because often i'm not, but because it wasn't in my plan when i walked out of the house. i miss hitting the bakery a lot too.

i don't know if there's anything i can actually do about this; it seems an intrinsic part of my personality.

maybe i just need to start planning to be more spontaneous.