and i'm an addict.

i've been saying it facetiously for years, but i really am addicted to caffeine. when i get up in the morning, "is there coffee?" is usually the first thing i say. if there isn't, anxiety levels shoot up. when i go somewhere else that isn't home, i have to plan how to get coffee in the morning before i can go to sleep, or i'll be thinking about it all night.

admittedly, there are much worse things to be addicted to, and as addictions go, caffeine is pretty mild. plus i like coffee, tea, chocolate, and coke zero. i'm not about to try to cure myself.

but it's an interesting insight into the mental state of addiction. the amount of preoccupation and anxiety i have that revolves around getting that morning cup of coffee is a little bit alarming. i remember being late to class back when i was an undergrad and forgetting which class i would be on the way to because i had run out the door without coffee. these days, i refuse to drive in the morning if i haven't had it because i don't trust myself to a) remember where i'm going and how to get there and b) remember to do things like stop at intersections or start turning soon enough. but these, combined with my aforementioned obsession of the first "hit of the day," are indicators of a pretty thorough-going dependency.

i suppose since i've given up smoking i need to have something to replace it. there's a certain kind of ennui and world-weary nonchalance that goes with the acceptance of an addiction. while some people obsess over control and find the idea of an addiction abhorrent, i don't mind it. what i minded about cigarettes, mostly, was that lung cancer is a very painful and messy way to die. anyone who tells you smoking is not pleasurable is either lying through their teeth or has never done it. the addiction bit never bothered me. i don't mind being pushed around by chemicals in my brain. that's what they're there for anyway.