failure.

it's very strange. since i've been out of university, i've been plagued with creative impulses. however, i can't finish any of them, with the exception of those with a culinary bent. you'd think someone for whom NaNoWriMo was shockingly effortless would be able to follow up a creative impulse now and then, but my nano is languishing at about 57,000 words, nearly the same place it was december 1.

i get fits and starts, a character, a setting, the inkling of a plot and then...nothing. it withers, or tails off, or i get frustrated and depressed and become convinced i'm writing nothing but adolescent trash. it's almost as though i need a deadline to be able to write. i know my best papers were written in that delicious state of panic where you know you've got less than 12 hours left before class (10pm-4am was about ideal). when i was under the "50,000 words in 30 days" deadline, the words flowed. after that passed, there has been nothing. setting deadlines for myself doesn't work either; i wanted to have the novel done by the new year. ha. fat lot of good that did me. even promising it to people didn't help (and if you're reading this, i am sorry >_< it's just as frustrating to me).

and then, you know, i end up hanging out in the sf/f section of barnes&noble and i look at the crap on the shelves and i think, "fuck. if they can get published, i should be a shoo-in." you know, assuming i ever do actually finish anything. i don't think publishers take manuscripts with big chunks of the story missing. every now and then i want to give up and say, well, if i never finish anything, it's probably not worth attempting in the first place. but the ideas still come. how? why? someone get me a psychiatrist, seriously. this is getting ridiculous.

i have motivation insofar as i have frustration. but i've lost inspiration. banging your head on your desk only gets you so far. it's not so much angst as it is just straight anger. i don't really do angst. but i do get angry. and there are very few things that make me as angry as when i look at something i've failed.